it's been over a year since i've written anything here. looking back on all these old pictures, it makes me sad and sort of wistful that whatever i felt, good or bad, at the time felt like the beginning and the end of the world. i threw everything i had, in art and love and friends, blindly, because i believed. i was selfish, still am. i don't know where to put all this want and need and that's why it's all or nothing with everything for me because i'm scared. i will always be a friend, but i need some time to lick my wounds.
all my life i've given everything i have, i tear myself apart because maybe if i show all that i have, it might be enough to make them stay. but it's funny how things don't work out no matter how hard you try. of course it hurts, of course it feels shit when all your cards are thrown back into your face...i'm learning the hard truth that sometimes, people just don't want it in the first place even if it's everything you got. i'm a future-seeker, i see all the possibilities and it just kills me inside when the chance isn't taken, when my open palm is left empty, when i'm right there but end up still standing alone at the threshold.
everyone's afraid of something and just waiting for the right moment, but there IS no right moment, all moments are the same and it's up to you to make it the right moment. so i guess this is a sign to you, whoever is reading this. don't ignore that phone call. say something first. end it or start it, for good. let people know you're okay, let them know you're hurting...let yourself be helped. trust your instincts, believe in actions. make it happen and accept the result with grace. forgive, don't forget but don't doubt the good. if it hurts, let it go. give it all you've got, whatever you have, and you'll be okay.